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These example might not describe your situation, but they illustrate a deeper point.Unhealthy relationships almost always begin with the pull.It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do. You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have good conversation, he gets your number, and while you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it.You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes.The high continues as you venture into a relationship and becomes even more intense. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadow.This emotional rollercoaster is as exhausting as it is thrilling. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving.Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations…it feels really nice. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him–what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted.When we meet someone, we immediately assess everything about them (again, this happens unconsciously).On a conscious level, you may assess the things he said, on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his demeanor.If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and scream for joy.And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

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